Seinfeld – Its all about Nothing!

Jerry Seinfeld and Calvin are my favorites. I have always believed that if Bill Watterson had allowed Calvin to grow up, He would have turned out to be Seinfeld! 🙂 Anyway, Here are some of the best stuff from Seinfeld show, The show about nothing! This is an expurgated version of some of my favorite Seinfeld monologues. Enjoy Madi..

 THe Finger!!

JERRY: So I move into the centre lane, now I get ahead of this women, who felt for some reason I guess, that she thought that I cut her off. So, she pulls up along side of me, gives me…”the finger”. It seems like such an… arbitrary, ridiculous thing to just pick a finger and you show it to the person. It’s a finger, what does it mean? Someone shows me one of their fingers and I’m supposed to feel bad. Is that the way it’s supposed to work? I mean, you could just give someone the toe, really, couldn’t you? I would feel worse if I got the toe, than if I got the finger. ‘Cause it’s not easy to give someone the toe, you’ve gotta get the shoe off, the sock of and drive, get it up and uh [pretends to drive with one foot in the air and speaks to person driving next to him] look at that toe, buddy. [puts his foot down] I mean, that’s really insulting to get the toe, isn’t it ?

SuperSense of Humour

[Setting: Coffee Shop] JERRY: I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor.

GEORGE: I never heard him say anything really funny.

JERRY: But it’s common sense. He’s got super strength, super speed.. I’m sure he’s got super humour.

GEORGE: You would think that, but either you’re born with a sense of humor, or you’re not. It’s not going to change even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth.

JERRY: Why? Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of Earth?

GEORGE: I don’t know but he ain’t funny.

The Soda

The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you’re doing. Did you ever see anybody on TV like just sliding off the front of the sofa with potato chip crumbs on their face? Some people have a little too much fun on television: the soda commercial people – where do they summon this enthusiasm? Have you seen them? “We have soda, we have soda, we have soda”, jumping, laughing, flying through the air – it’s a can of soda. Have you ever been standing there and you’re watching TV and you’re drinking the exact same product that they’re advertising right there on TV, and it’s like, you know, they’re spiking volleyballs, jetskiing, girls in bikinis and I’m standing there – “Maybe I’m putting too much ice in mine.”

Best Doctor :

Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he’s always the best. “Oh, is he good?” “Oh, he’s the best. This guy’s the best.” They can’t all be the best. There can’t be this many bests. Someone’s graduating at the bottom of these classes, where are these doctors? Is somewhere, someone saying to their friend, “You should see my doctor, he’s the worst. Oh yeah, he’s the worst, he’s the absolute worst there is. Whatever you’ve got, it’ll be worse after you see him. He’s just, he’s a butcher. The man’s a butcher.”? And then there’s always that, “Make sure that you tell him that, you know, you know me.” Why? What’s the difference? He’s a doctor. What is it, “Oh, you know Bob! Okay, I’ll give you the real medicine. Everybody else, I’m giving Tic-Tacs.”

Suicide

The thing I don’t understand about the suicide person is the people who try and commit suicide for some reason they don’t die and that’s it. They stop trying. Why? Why don’t they just keep trying? What has changed? Is their life any better now? No. In fact it’s worse because now they’ve found out one more thing you stink at. Okay, that’s why these people don’t succeed in life to begin with. Because they give up too easy. I saw, pills don’t work, try a rope. Car won’t start in the garage, get a tune up. You know what I mean? There’s nothing more rewarding than reaching a goal you have set for yourself.

 Keys to plane!

I like planes. I was on a plane the other day and I was wondering – are there keys to the plane? Do they need keys to start the plane? Maybe that’s what those delays on the ground are sometimes. When you’re just sitting there at the gate, maybe the pilot’s just up there in the cockpit going <mimics looking for keys> “Oh, I don’t believe this. Oh my god…I did it again.” They tell you it’s something mechanical, because they don’t want to come on the PA system…”Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to be delayed here on the ground for a little while, I uh…Oh God, this is so embarrassing…I – I left the keys to the plane in my apartment.” You see the technicians all running underneath the plane; you think they’re servicing it, but they’re actually looking for the magnet “hide-a-key” under the wing…”maybe he left it up there somewhere…”

Chalk outline!

There are many different job in the police. It seems to me, that the chalk outline guy is one of the better jobs that you can get. You know it’s not dangerous, the criminals are long gone, that seems like a good one. I don’t know who they are, I guess they’re people who wanted to be a sketch artists, but they couldn’t draw too well…”listen Johnson, forget the sketches. Do you think if we left a dead body right there on the sidewalk, you could manage to trace around it? Could you do that?”. I don’t even know how it helps to solve the crime? You know, they look at the thing on the ground…”aah his arm was like that when he hit the pavement. That means the killer must’ve been Jim.”

Birthday!

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting sick of pretending to be excited every time it’s somebody’s birthday, you know what I mean? What is the big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? Every year, over and over… All you did was not die for twelve months. That’s all you’ve done, as far as I can tell.

Fear of speech!

JERRY: To me, the whole concept of fear of success is proof that we are definitely scraping the bottom of the fear barrel. Are we gonna have to have AA-type meetings for these people? They’ll go: “Hi, my name is Bill, and the one thing I’m worried about is to have a stereo and a cream-colored couch.” According to most studies, people’s number-one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. *Death* is number two! Now, this means to the average person, if you have to go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

The Christmas tree

The Christmas tree certainly seems to inspire a love/hate relationship. All that time is spent selecting it and decorating it, and then a week after it’s just thrown somewhere, you see it by the side of the road, it looks like a mob hit. A car slows down, a door opens and this tree just rolls out. People snap out of that Christmas spirit like it was a drunken stupor, they just wake up one morning and go, “Oh my god, there’s a tree inside the house! Just throw it anywhere!

Silver Medal 

I always feel bad for the silver medal winner in the Olympics.How do you live with that the rest of your life? People are gonna keep asking: – How much did you lose by? – I don’t even know…! It was like…(very fast) now.now…now.now..now..was like, like…now..now..now…!It was it…! Eh, it was it and I lost. I trained, I worked out, I exercised, I did everything,I was doing push-ups, sit-ups, I never did anything but exercise and work out for 20 years, I flew half way around the world and aaaaaaaaaah!…(showing a tiny distance between his index and thumb) And that was…it was a photo-finish! Silver…(stretching his neck forward)…gold. If I had a pimple, I would’ve won.

Silver again!

Although I think I have a problem with that silver medal.’Cause when you think about it,you win the gold-you feel good,you win the bronze-you think ‘Well at least I got something’.But when you win that silver it’s like ‘Congratulations,you *almost* won. Of all the losers-you came in first of that group.You’re the number one *loser*. No one lost ahead of you!’

EyeGlass 

I have a friend, wears eyeglasses, no prescription in the glasses because he thinks it makes him look more intelligent, now why? Why do we think that glasses makes us look more intelligent? Is it from the endless hours of reading and studying and researching that this person supposedly blew out their eyeballs, and that’s why they need the glasses? It’s just a corrective device. If you see someone with a hearing aid, you don’t think, ‘Oh, they must have been listening real good…yeah, to a lot of important stuff…’ No, they are deaf. They can’t hear.

Gum

JERRY: (unwrapping a piece of gum) I think gum is, is one of the weirdest human inventions. (pops gum in his mouth) It’s not a liquid, ‘s not a solid, ‘s not a food. What is it? It isn’t really anything, you know. I mean, it’s like a stationary bike for your jaw. Like, remember when you were in school, and teachers would get all riled up if they caught you with gum? And when you were a kid, you’d think ‘What is the big deal?’ But, as an adult, I can understand it, because when you’re chewing gum, you don’t look like you’re too thrilled with anything anyone has to say. (as sarcastic teen) ‘Oh, World War Two. That was an important historical event? Yeah, I’m sure.’ ‘They landed a man on the moon, nineteen sixty-nine? Yeah, right. Yeah, I buy that, teach.’

 

 

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One Response to “Seinfeld – Its all about Nothing!”

  1. Awesome!!! very very well written and really liked reading this. 🙂 great going. keep writing.

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